I coincidentally found out that she divorced him. The same way I had coincidentally found out the two of them had gotten married in the first place. The same way I found out they had a beautiful daughter.
I didn’t congratulate her on her wedding or on having the baby she was dreaming to have ever since she was a child herself and I didn’t comfort her during her divorce. She didn’t invite me to her wedding, she didn’t let me know that their little family was becoming a trio and she didn’t bare her soul to me when her dream family proved to be just that – a mere illusion. None of us did any of those things, because we were about eighteen when we last spoke, and the last time we were close friends was even a while before that.
Her marriage and pregnancy didn’t come as a surprise. The kind of man she chose to marry didn’t surprise me either. But her finding the strength to leave him did – I was impressed and I was happy for her… and for a moment I could see that stubborn little girl she once was.
We are the same age and we spent the first years of our lives playing and growing up together. Then school separated us, but only in a certain way, because we shared that kind of bond and friendship that seem indestructible at that age. We were both competitive, we were both stubborn and opinionated, we were both convinced we had all the answers, but we were completely different and we appreciated each other exactly because of it. We had constant access to each other’s world, but the older we got, the less use we wanted to make of that access.
Being different slowly became having nothing in common. I didn’t feel comfortable among her friends and she felt like a stranger among mine; so of course we both acted up and those people became the enemy. But we could even accept that about each other – it would be just the two of us when we met, sharing everything and supporting each other during those confusing, complicated and painful years. However, a time came when not even the family drama that always brought us together managed to be a strong enough link. And what a cliché the reason appeared to be – nothing else but boys.
Yet there was so much more to it than that trivial fact – we were making our choices regarding the paths we were going to follow, the kind of life we wanted, the kind of treatment we considered we deserved. I had a boyfriend who worshiped me and perceived me as the centre of his universe, while I wasn’t necessarily always kind to him. Her take on a ‘real man’ was somewhat different than mine… to say the least. Jealousy, violence and control were what she perceived as the main attributes of the guy worthy of her love. Her boyfriends became more and more questionable, until I finally had to refuse meeting one of them. High school girls all over town knew how violent he was and stories about how his family got their fortune were whispered in secretive, fearful tones. No, that was not the kind of guy whose interest you wanted to awaken. But she knew all that… and that was when I was politely informed that I had no business talking about relationships, since I had never been in a real one. After all, a real relationship was one in which the guy set me straight, not let me be myself and do whatever I wanted, the way my boyfriend did.
She firmly believed I deserved to be slapped around a little bit, just to finally understand what real life and a real guy feel like. It was our first and final fight. We still talked once in a while afterwards, mostly agreeing to disagree. But I understood it was time for the two of us to keep our distance, because there was no way the three of us (she and I.. and the dubious boyfriend she would not leave for anything in the world) could be friends. Sure… I understood the appeal when it came to bad boys, but within limits… life-threatening was not and will never be sexy in my book.
Yet.. I understood her… how could I not, when I knew her story? Nothing and nobody taught her that loving a person means so much more than owning their body and soul and disposing of them the same way one does regarding any other type of personal property. Growing up with an alcoholic, occasionally aggressive and mostly unemployed father that both she and her mother adored had taught her what a ‘real man’ should be. Without such a ‘real man’, she herself could not reach her full potential as a real woman… Her mother never left her father, no matter how badly he treated her. He was the most important person in her life; she came second and the kids came third. She worked two jobs to support the family; and when she lost those two jobs, she finally gave in and started drinking too. Once they were sharing the same vice, they became strangely happy, in spite of everything they had to deal with. But her mother never left her father…
This is why I was so pleasantly surprised when I found out she divorced her abusive husband, putting her daughter and herself above the ‘real man’ she had desired for so long. I don’t know the details, but I am glad she stopped perceiving three as being the perfect number for the family she had built in her dreams as a child. We will never be friends again; we will probably never talk again, even if we might still coincidentally find out all sorts of things about each other. But we have never been enemies either, we simply followed our own separate ways. This is why I can now say I respect her for having the power to open her eyes and understand both she and her daughter deserve more. She will never know this about me, the same way I will never know many things bout her, but it makes no difference. All that matters is that we both have the memory of what once was a beautiful friendship, belonging only to the two of us.
In response to WordPress Weekly Photo Challenge: What comes in threes?
Maybe it’s my station in life, or other factors, that make me admire this piece bone deeply. It speaks of an inner strength I evade when time comes to evaluate relationships. A marvelous work that bespeaks the author is a rare, sensitive and wise individual.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I suppose it’s a lot easier to see everything clearly and objectively from the outside, when it comes to other people’s relationships. Blinding, emotion induced subjectivity plays such an important part when it comes to evaluating our own…
LikeLike
So true. I can tell anyone (that solicits, of course) how I think they’d best turn their mess around, but don’t ask me to examine my pain or fear. You’re on to something great here. Perhaps a series on other relationships? I’m rambling, it happens.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We’re all so much better at solving other people’s problems – again, it must be that clarity objectivity and emotional detachment throw on everything. 🙂 I have to admit, I find it a lot easier to write about other people’s relationships as well. I tell myself it’s because I want to keep the most private aspects of my life private, but I can’t help thinking there’s more to it than that 😉 . At least I am able to learn from other people’s mistakes (that’s not to say I never repeat them, though), so I guess that counts for something.
LikeLike
“At least I am able to learn from other people’s mistakes (that’s not to say I never repeat them, though), so I guess that counts for something.” SO true that. Sometimes I tell myself, “Why reinvent the wheel when I can apply their life lesson in my life. [Sigh] If only it worked that way 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Indeed 🙂 Good thing our mistakes sometimes make for the really interesting and fun moments. Life might get too boring otherwise, right? 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lovely. And that first paragraph is one of the best I’ve read in a long time, draws you in from the beginning!!!
LikeLike
Thank you. I’m glad to see that people appreciated this particular post. Given the topic and my personal involvement, I feared it might end up appearing judgemental.
LikeLike
well, there is judgmental and there is judgmental. And there is wisdom. And there is a beauty to your writing that lays a fine patina of love over it all.
LikeLiked by 1 person
She is a person I once cared a lot about… Thank you for your words 🙂
LikeLike
peace, and grace
LikeLike
Thank you. I wish the same to you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
nice piece!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLike
A very compelling and powerful piece of writing, Ana.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Carol! I was afraid it might end up sounding too depressing or moralizing.
LikeLike
Wow, what a take on that prompt. And what an inspiring story. Interesting how we can be worlds apart and yet still kind of be involved in this life.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Certain things remain the same, no matter where we live or how old we are…Even if we may not always want to acknowledge this little fact 🙂
LikeLike
Good write, Ana
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Sue 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀😳
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautifully written 👌
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person